


"What happened to you?" - "Life"

by NammiKisulora



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Cas' POV, Dark!Destiel, Destiel - Freeform, Drug Abuse, Drugs, Episode: s05e04 The End, F/M, M/M, One-Sided Love, Slash, The End 'Verse, You won't like Dean much in this one I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-04
Updated: 2012-12-04
Packaged: 2017-11-20 06:16:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/582198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NammiKisulora/pseuds/NammiKisulora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happened to Cas between 2009 and 2014? "Life" is one way of putting it. "Dean Winchester" is another. This fic is one version of what made our Angel of the Lord become the drug addicted, orgy organizing, hopeless, hapless junkie we meet in 5x4, The End. Dark, emotionally one-sided Destiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"What happened to you?" - "Life"

**Author's Note:**

> Repost of "What happened to you? Life" from FF.net. Unbeta'd, and English isn't my native language, so if you find any mistakes, feel free to point them out! Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Past-Dean coming to Camp Chitaqua really messes Cas up. More than usual. Even through the drugged haze he’s usually in, he can feel how much it rattles him to see the Dean from ’09, the Dean he had rebelled for, left Heaven for. The Dean that was gone, gone since four years now. The Dean he had fallen for, in more than one way.

 

This Dean, Past-Dean, is so different from the man Cas sees every day. Sure, he’s already pretty messed up, but not like now-Dean. He still _cares_. But Cas is still determined not to let it show, how he feels, because he knows it would mess up Past-Dean even more. Just seeing himself like this and seeing what Cas has become is enough, he doesn’t need to know the screwed up history of them, maybe if he doesn’t know, some things will never happen, back in Past-Dean’s page of the calendar. Cas hopes so, however much he loved and still loves, for some goddamn reason, Dean, it would be better if nothing ever happened between them, if they stuck to friendship. If it is a desire to spare Dean or himself pain, he isn’t sure, he just knows he never wants Past-Castiel and Past-Dean to be anything at all, really.

 

He knows Dean wants Past-Dean to say ‘ _yes’_ to Michael, to prevent all this from happening, but Cas isn’t so sure it’s the wisest way to go. Instead he tells Past-Dean to call Sam when he gets back, to try to mend things between them. Because if that happens, Sam won’t go to Detroit for reasons only known to himself, and let the devil in. Cas also thinks of telling Past-Dean to end his friendship with himself, with Cas _tiel_ , that it might be better for them both if they go their separate ways five years earlier, but he decides against it. What has happened between him and Dean is all dark, destructive need, no whispered words of love in the dark, only tears and hands harsh enough to leave bruises. But Cas thinks that maybe, maybe if Past-Dean managed to change things with Sam, it might be different. Maybe Cas _tiel_ can get a chance to experience what Cas never got. Dean Winchester’s fucking _love_.

 

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

_“Sammy’s gone.” Cas looks up. Dean is leaning against the doorframe, shoulders sagging and his face wet with tears. “He said yes.” Dean’s voice breaks with a sob. Cas gets up, following his growing human instincts and pulls Dean into a hug. He doesn’t bother asking how Dean can know anyway, since he hasn’t spoken to Sam in a year, that he just knows is enough. “Cas, Sammy’s gone now… forever.” Dean sniffles and tries to choke a sob without any real success. Cas hugs him tighter, and after a moment, he feels Dean’s arms around him, hugging him back._

_What happens next, he’s never been really sure of. But in the next moment, they are stumbling towards the bed, kissing harshly, tearing at each other’s clothes. And Cas gets his first experience with sex that way, harsh, hard, rough, without any love involved, only… maybe it isn’t even lust, only need and desperation. But he doesn’t mind, he doesn’t know what it’s supposed to be like, and it was with_ Dean _. That’s all that matters._

_When Cas wakes up the next morning, Dean is already up and dressed. When he sees that Cas was awake, he turns to look at him, blue eyes meeting green._

_“This. Never. Happened”, he hisses, and leaves. Cas feels confused, hurt and angry, and he decides that he and Dean should have as little contact as possible in the camp. But when Dean comes back to him, after a few months, collapses in a chair and buries his face in his hands, how could Cas say no? During the years two and a half years he’s known Dean, a feeling had been growing, and he believes it to be love, the kind of love that humans feel that goes outside family._

_“They’re dead”, Dean mutters. “They’re dead and they wouldn’t have to be if I hadn’t fucked up!” Cas knows what he’s talking about. It’s a supply run gone south, and three of the best hunters they had were killed. But he doesn’t believe it was Dean’s fault, so he pulls out another chair and sits down opposite Dean._

_“What happened?” Dean looks up, surprised that Cas dares to ask. No one else would. No one except… yeah._

_“Uh, we found the stuff alright. But then, on the way back, we ran into some croats. They, uh, went for the cars, so we got out and started fighting them. I had an almost clear shot on one of them, I yelled for Alisha to duck, just so I could be completely sure not to hit her, and that moment’s hesitation led to… the croat jumped her, and I couldn’t see what was going on the other side, but I heard the screams… I had to shoot three of my best today. Enough for you?” Cas looks away. It wasn’t really Dean’s fault, but getting the hunter to understand it is a different matter. He turns back to look at Dean, who meets his gaze for the first time since… no, Cas wasn’t going to think about it, just forget it. “It’s just so hard, Cas, it feels like it’s all too much. And I, I just keep fighting without anything to fight for. I know, the world and all, but… but there is nothing left for me!” Cas refuses to look away. That hurt to hear. A lot._

_“What about me?” he says. “What about me? We’re friends, Dean, right? Still?” Dean nods. “But I’m not worth fighting for? Am I included in that nothing?”_

_“Cas, what the hell…”_

_“Just answer me, Dean.” There was been a time when he easily could have demanded an answer, back when he was a powerful, full angel. Now, he just has to rely on luck._

_“No…” The answer is no more than a whisper. “But… but I thought you’d hate me. After – after…” He looks down and Cas is puzzled that Dean can think such a thing of him._

_“No. I could never… I could never hate you. Never.” Dean looks up. Cas catches his gaze. “Never.” Dean sighs._

_“It… it’s just too much, Cas, all these people counting on me… I can’t do it.” Cas can hear his voice breaking, the last part only being a broken whisper. “It’s too much.” Cas is reminded of another conversation like this, one they had around a two years earlier when he and Uriel made Dean torture Alastair. And when he looks into Dean’s eyes, he can see even more despair and brokenness than that time. And a loneliness that wasn’t there that time either. He gets up and puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder, squeezing slightly. Dean grabs his hand, pulling him closer._

_“Don’t leave me, Cas, please don’t leave me. Not you too”, he whispers, and Cas doesn’t know who kisses who, just that they do, and it’s all the same despair and roughness as the last time. When he’s bent over the table, Dean thrusting into him, he wonders if this is how it’s supposed to be. When they fall asleep together, he thinks that, at least it’s with Dean. That’s all that counts._

_When Cas wakes up the next morning Dean is gone, and this time Cas feels even more hurt than the last. The last things spoken the night before was Dean begging Cas not to leave him, and then he’s just gone. Cas decides that this time, this time he’ll stay away from Dean as much as possible. He won’t leave him, he’ll be there if he’s needed, but he’ll stay away as much as possible, avoiding all personal contact._

_However, the next time, Cas is the one to come to Dean. One night he is alone in his cabin, and suddenly it feels like his body is on fire, with the pain centred in his chest. He can’t supress a scream and drops to his knees, clutching his chest. It feels like something is being ripped out of him, and the only clear thought in his head is ‘_ My grace. My grace. My grace _.’ However weakened he has been to this point, he’s had some of his powers intact. Now… he just knows that it’s all gone._

_After a few minutes the pain recedes, sinks back into being a dull, throbbing ache in his chest, and a feeling of_ loss _and_ hollowness _. He doesn’t realize he is crying until he brushes a hand over his face, and feels the wetness, and even though he can feel it, he cannot take it in._ Tears, human… _He pushes the thought away, clutches his chest and whimpers, spends what feels like hours rocking back and forth on the floor before he gets to his feet, feeling that he has to, really_ has to _, find Dean. Dean is the only one who has any chance of understanding, if only a little bit._

_He walks to Dean’s cabin on unsteady feet, feeling weak and exhausted and empty. He knocks on the door, silently urging Dean to open fast, because Cas doesn’t know how much longer he can remain on his feet._

_He has almost given up when the door opens. Dean’s only wearing a pair of jeans, looking like they’d been hastily thrown on._

_“Cas? Uh, I’m kinda - ” Cas takes a step towards the door, wincing with every movement. “You okay?” Cas silently shakes his head. “Uh, ok, hang on a minute.” Dean retreats into the cabin, and Cas can hear a muffled conversation, and then a final “Just get out damnit!” Cas takes a step back as a clearly angry young woman exits. “Ok, come in.”_

_Cas staggers into the cabin and collapses on a chair at the table, burying his face in his hands._

_“It’s… it’s my grace”, he whispers. “It’s gone…” He looks up, meeting Dean’s gaze. “I’m all human now.” He feels his eyes well with tears, an unfamiliar feeling. “I’m human now.” A hiccupy sob escapes him, and then he feels Dean’s arms around him. Dean is holding him, hugging him, out of free will even after all shit that’s happened during the last few months._

_“It’s ok, Cas, it’s ok, we’ll make this work too. You’re still Cas.” And at that point, he still is, even though his angelic powers are gone. “You’re still Cas, right?” Cas sighs and nods, leaning into Dean’s arms a little._

_“I suppose I am. But I think… I think Castiel is gone.” He rubs his eyes, trying to stop the tears that kept falling. Crying… he thinks. Angels can’t cry. The fact slowly sinks in. The first physical sign he’s human. He feels empty, he can feel how something inside him is missing. He_ is _empty, he realized. An angel’s grace is their essence, even more than the soul is the human’s, since in humans, soul and body are connected, both part of the human. An angel has no body, when it’s not inhabiting a vessel, it’s just pure grace. Cas wonders if he is soulless now, or if his grace somehow has… transformed into a soul. He rubs his face again, trying to stop thinking about it. His head hurts and he’s exhausted. “Dean, what am I going to do now? I…” He groans in frustration and covers his face with his hands. “Dean, I…” Suddenly a pair of hands takes hold oh his wrists, pulls his hands down, and Dean’s lips are on his._

_This time, Dean holds him. Dean holds him tight as he fucks him and licks and kisses away the tears, still leaking down his cheeks._

_“It’ll be ok, Cas, it’ll be ok”, Dean keeps whispering, and when they’ve finished, and Dean has fallen asleep, Cas gets up._

_“No, Dean, it won’t. Nothing will ever be again”, he says as he gets dressed. Dean stirs in his sleep but doesn’t wake, and this time, Cas is the one to leave Dean._

 

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

 

He was been right. Nothing _is_ okay, hasn’t been for a long time. But maybe Past-Dean can make things right, he hopes so. Maybe his past self won’t turn into… what he’s become. He tries convincing Past-Dean that he likes this, or that he at least considers himself to be doing the best of the situation, by getting stoned and organizing orgies, but in truth, he wishes things were different.

 

So in the end he tells Past-Dean anyway, in the car on the way to the place where Dean claims the Devil is.

 

“–I'm hapless, I’m hopeless. I mean, why the hell not bury myself in women and decadence, right? It's the end, baby. That's what decadence is for. Why not bang a few gongs before the lights go out? But, then... that's just how I roll.” He was going to leave it at that. He really hadn’t planned on continuing, it just… happens. “But, uh… you’ll go back to ’09, right?” He glances at Past-Dean. He can’t let him go back and do _the same mistakes all over again_ , he has to tell him. Past-Dean nods.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m going back.” Cas swallows. How can you tell someone you love and care about that his future self will treat you like an asshole and be the main reason for you becoming a miserable drug using piece of ex angel? It would have been simpler to just… yeah, leave it at the facts: Cas is nowadays not only human, but also very much into drugs and sleeping around, preferably with more than two women at the time. He bites his lip. He has to do this, difficult or not.

 

“Well, when do you, take care of Castiel. Or no, don’t, next time you see him, tell him to run away from you, and never to come back. Never. It’ll just end badly for both of you.” He can’t hold back a bitter chuckle. “Trust me.”

 

“Why? What’s happened between… us or whatever that’s screwed you up so badly? Why should I tell, uh, my Cas to run?” Past-Dean’s tone makes it perfectly clear that he won’t be satisfied without a straight answer. Cas decides it’s worth a shot anyway, the less he knows the better.

 

“Just trust me on it, Dean. You’re better off not knowing, ok?”

 

“No. You gotta tell me, so I don’t fuck up like this again.” Cas curses internally for bringing it up at all.

 

“You’re not gonna like it, Dean. You don’t need to hear it. But fine, I’ll give you the story.” He tells Past-Dean everything that’s happened between them in the short version, and Past-Dean pales and looks like he’s feeling sick.

 

“I did that to you, Cas?”

 

“No.” Cas bites his lip. It hurts to hear Past-Dean, Dean from ’09, believing it was his fault. It wasn’t, Dean didn’t change until… around a year after where this Dean comes from. “It was when Sam said “yes” to the devil he really changed. But do you see why I want you to stay away from Castiel?”

 

“Yeah, I do. But I won’t, you know that. I need him, Cas. But it’ll never end like this. He’ll never become… you. I promise, Cas.” And Cas just laughs, unable to keep the bitterness from seeping through.

 

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

_He sleeps with Dean again, after the time when he’d just lost his grace. Sometimes Dean comes to him, sometimes he goes to Dean. Always desperate fucks, when the weight of the world, or the loss of Sam, or the knowledge that he’ll never be an angel again, becomes too much, too much to bear alone._

_It happens more and more rarely though. Cas knows that Dean sleeps with other women as well, more often than with him, and it hurts. A lot. But he always lets Dean in, he can never turn him away. And Dean always comes back._

_In between he starts sleeping with the women in the camp as well. Why not, he reasons. It makes him feel a little bit better, if only for the moment, makes him feel just a little bit less alone. He isn’t enough for Dean, so why wait and pine when there were willing women to take instead? Anything that helps him deal, or rather not deal, with everything. And maybe, just maybe he can make Dean a little jealous._

_And when one of women rolls a joint after they’ve finished fucking, and offers him a few puffs, telling him that this,_ this _will make him feel good, he says yes without hesitating. Why not? He has nothing to lose anymore._

_He thinks he’s found heaven again. He feels so light, so good, so… free. Nothing matters, everything is so funny. He laughs and kisses whateverhernamewas, and just keeps laughing when they stumble and fall on their way to the bed._

_“It’s too far away!” she giggles, and he laughs with her, pulling her in for another kiss._

_“Who says we need to get there anyway?”_

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

_He learns her name is Cindy, and that she doesn’t demand absolute fidelity, as long as she’s always a part of it. And as long as he sticks to that, she can keep him supplied with pot, at least for the time being._

_In the beginning, he tries to hide it from Dean, knows it would make him angry, and it works for a few months. Then, Dean, of course, finds out._

_Cas is in his cabin with Cindy and two other girls, and they’ve just passed around the second joint of the night when he hears a knock on the door. A distinct Dean knock. He sighs, of course he couldn’t keep it secret forever. Then he giggles, does it really matter? He’s high, he’s just had sex with three gorgeous girls, does it matter if Dean gets a little bit pissed? Like he needs Dean anyway._

_He pulls on a pair of pants, and goes to open the door. And he’s right, it’s Dean out there, looking miserable._

_“Hey, Cas”, he says, trying to get inside. Cas blocks the doorway._

_“Uh, actually, it’s a bad time, I have Cindy over and –“ He really does try to keep a straight face, but it’s impossible. He breaks down in giggles._

_“Are you stoned?!” Misery switches to fury in Dean’s eyes. “What the hell, Cas?!”_

_“I –ah – why not?” He meets Dean’s eyes. “Why not, Dean? The end’s coming and everything’s already gone to shit, so why the hell not?” He laughs, and Dean breaks their eye contact._

_“I’ll come by later, okay? And then you better be sober!” He leaves, and for a moment Cas contemplates calling him back, inviting him in. He quickly dismisses the thought and goes back to the girls._

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

_When Dean comes back, Cindy is gone and Cas has sobered up considerably._

_“Do you care to explain?” Cas sighs and looks anywhere but at Dean._

_“It makes me feel good. It makes it just a little, little bit easier to keep existing.”_

_“So you lose your mojo and become some fucking hippie?” Cas tilts his head._

_“What’s a hippie?” Dean sighs in frustration._

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

_It all goes downhill from there, but Cas finds he doesn’t want to stop with the drugs. And then one of the other women gives him acid. He never wants the trip to end. Everything is so beautiful, everything feels so… He wonders why everyone doesn’t want to experience this._

_After a while, he tries everything he can. When they raids a pharmacy for antibiotics and painkillers and similar things, he takes a few bottles of the stronger painkillers for himself._

_Sometimes he shares with the girls who are into it, but he starts to take something, anything, pretty much every day. It’s the only way he can feel something close to complete._

_For a few months Dean avoids him, only talking to him while giving orders or planning a mission. But then, one night when Cas happens to be alone and high on oxy and generally content, Dean comes knocking._

_As soon as Cas opens he can smell the booze on Dean’s breath. He’s swaying slightly, and his speech is slightly slurred. In other words, Dean is shitfaced._

_“Can I come in?” Cas moves away from the door, lazily wondering why Dean has come. Lately he’s given the impression of strongly disliking Cas._

_Dean stumbles slightly over the threshold and Cas grips his elbow to keep him from falling, and suddenly Dean is kissing him, and Cas finds himself kissing back, though not really knowing why, since he isn’t particularly interested in sex at the moment. But he doesn’t resist when Dean starts pulling on his clothing, and it is_ Dean _after all. So he lets Dean undress him and push him onto the bed, his head buzzing softly from the opiates._

_But when Dean softly, albeit a little sloppy, kisses his shoulder, his heart gives a slight twinge. When Dean kisses him like that, he always imagines what it would be like to… make love to him. But when Dean finishes stretching him and pushes in, fucks him, Cas knows it’s not true, it won’t ever be like that. But he also knows that he can’t turn Dean away, not for long anyway._

_When Dean pulls him up so he’s on his knees on the bed, and grips his cock, stroking it in rhythm with the thrusts, his body reacts, he’s already hard, but his mind doesn’t care enough to focus, but he lets his thoughts run free, and he can almost,_ almost _, imagine how it would be if Dean_ loved _him, instead of Cas being the last choice, only for desperate fuck when no one else would understand and let him in, let him do anything he wanted._

 

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

 

Somewhere on the way, Cas notices that Past-Dean has realized the same thing as Cas knew from the moment Dean started planning this mission, and he wonders what will happen when the two Deans confront each other, because he is sure that Past-Dean won’t just let this slide.

 

Cas himself is... calm. This is the end, alright. It’s been long expected, and he can’t say it’s sorry to see this… miserable life end. He’s not even surprised that Dean’s sacrificing the people he claims are his ‘friends’, not anymore. And Dean’s said his goodbye to Cas already, and Cas took his, so now it’s alright. As alright as it can ever be…

 

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

_Dean came knocking on Cas’ door and told the girls to get out, and then pushed Cas up against the wall, kissing him, kissing him with a desperation that first takes Cas by surprise. But when Dean bites his earlobe and whispers ‘I have the Colt’ he understands. The last night on Earth has come, the real one._ Finally _, he can’t help but thing._

_And he gladly lets Dean fuck him, relishes that the_ fearless leader _actually comes to him, like he actually cares, like he wants to say goodbye. And they cling to each other, facing each other, the kisses are sloppy and desperate, and Cas doesn’t notice he’s crying until Dean licks the tears away, and Cas is almost sure he sees a tear or two escape Dean’s eyes to mingle with the sweat on his face. And he licks them away, then throws his head back as Dean licks and bites his neck while stroking his cock in rhythm with his thrusts._

_When they come, together, he almost whispers the words he’s always longed to say, but holds them back. It’s a dream, and he couldn’t bear saying the words to Dean and get nothing back. So he cries Dean’s name, and holds him tight when Dean collapses on top of him._

_Yet after a moment Dean gets up, and Cas follows him._

_“Meeting in my cabin in fifteen.” Cas nods, quickly pulling on his clothes. And before Dean reaches the door, he grabs him by the shoulders and kisses him, relishing the taste for the last time. Instead of a toast to his last night on Earth, he takes, steals a kiss from the man he’s loved for so long._

_“To our last night on Earth”, he whispers and lets Dean go. Dean gives a slow nod and leaves. Cas opens his booze cupboard and chugs down a few mouthfuls of Absinthe. He raises the bottle towards the ceiling for a moment. “I hope you’re happy now, fuckers.” He takes a last swig and puts the bottle back, knowing he won’t ever see this cabin again._

 

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

 

He looks up at Dean, coming back without Past-Dean. Dean meets his eyes for a second, then looks away. Cas wonders if he imagined the guilt in Dean’s eyes, but something in his voice when he tells the group that it’s time, is strained, yet Cas is sure that only he can hear it.

 

When he passes Dean, he whispers ‘Goodbye, Dean’.

 

The shooting starts almost as soon as they enter. Cas makes it further than most, but finally, when it’s just him and Risa left, a bullet pierces his chest. He sees Risa fall next to him, and his last thought is that he hopes Past-Dean can make a better future than this, and that Past-Castiel won’t end up like this.

 

**~SPN~SPN~SPN~**

_Dean smiles at him, caressing his cheek._

_“I love you, Cas.” Cas smiles back, eyes clear and sober._

_“And I you, Dean.” He puts a hand over that old hand-shaped scar he left on Dean when he pulled him from perdition and kisses him, softly, tenderly._

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews and kudos are like food and air for a writer. It won't take you long to make me very, very happy!


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